Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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