Got a toothbrush?
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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