All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
