I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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