It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
