So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
