I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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