Do you still have your period?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
