I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
