you would pick up someone in the library
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
