My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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