Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
