are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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