dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
