After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
