i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
