I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
