please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
