How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
