My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
