im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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