your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
