in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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