I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
