The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
