dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
this boner is exhausting
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
