Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
