sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
