Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
