I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
