you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
