Umm I'm too high to move.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
