I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
