i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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