u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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