Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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