Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
