Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
There r osticjed everywhere
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
