This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
