If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
