did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's never too late to be topless.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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