I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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