I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
