i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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