i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
