i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
