You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
