3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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