I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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