she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is it because I queefed?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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