it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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